Stepping Into “Me”

I’m 43.

I’m a woman living in America.  The northwoods of Wisconsin to be exact.

I am third of four children.  Two sisters and a brother.

I’ve been married-divorced-married.

I have two children. Two boys. Adorable. Smart. Talented. Fun.

I love to be creative. I love to write. Draw. Paint.

Now that I’m 43, I finally feel as though I’ve stepped into “me”.  I know what I want to do with my time and energy. I want to be creative with words and images.  I want to capture a moment in time and explore and appreciate this amazing thing called Life.  So much beauty; yet so much pain.

For far too long, I’ve lived my life trying to meet the expectations others (and the world) have placed on me. Go to college. Get a job. Get married. Have children. Be happy.  But what happens when you’ve checked those goals off your list and you still aren’t joy-filled.  It’s just…yeah. Life with a lowercase L.

My outlook on life–especially that which is MY life–started to change when I started to truly and intentionally seek a relationship with this one guy. He radiated confidence. He wore his love easily.  He was accepting of me–no matter what I did or didn’t do.  He forgave me when I messed up.  He encouraged me to do and be better.  He showed me where my “thinking was stinking” (as Joyce Meyer says) and freed my mind to pursue MY wants and desires. He is now my best friend and I turn to him for advice and comfort pretty much on a daily basis.  I love to listen to music with him.  I love to sing with him.  I love to learn from him.  Who is he?  Have you guessed?  It’s Jesus.

He’s real.  He’s living. He’s not the mysterious man-God that I heard stories about in Sunday school as a kid. He truly wants a relationship–yes, a relationship–with every single person.  He wants to know us. He wants to love us. That means being intentional about connecting with Him.  Through prayer. Through praise. Through worship.

I love my  church. It’s totally not a traditional church.  We have 30-40 minutes of contemporary Christian music at the beginning of our time together.  Then our pastor does a teaching.  My latest “a-ha” moment with why this church style is so perfect for me is that it’s real.  It’s like a real relationship.  Words to God are not printed in a thick book. We ‘talk’ to Him, just like you’d talk to your mother, father, brother, sister, friend. I’ve found that sharing from my heart, how much I love and adore and NEED Jesus, is way more powerful than regurgitating a prescribed line of text in the front of a hymnal.  Who talks like that?  Can you imagine sitting down with your spouse and having a predetermined script as you go about your time together?  Not very authentic.  I know that for some, that type of church is exactly what they need and want.  But not for me.  It took me a while to shed the shame that was thrown my way as a result of my mom’s displeasure that I am not in a traditional church. To her, a church that is not traditional is “weird” and “not right”.  But…it speaks to my heart.  It speaks to my soul.  It makes me want to know the Lord more closely.  I’ve learned so much about myself and who God made me to be because I am a part of a church family that truly shows the love of Jesus through acceptance and support of one another.  I love when I come together with my church family and we pray together–out loud.  It’s so powerful. It’s so real. It’s so loving.

My encouragement to others is to truly listen to your heart. Be open to what God has for you. Don’t simply follow what you’ve been taught without truly understanding. Dig into your Bible. Discover divine truths. Love the Lord in a way that honors Him. Be yourself. Embrace the gifts He’s given YOU. Step into who He made you to be.  I’m 43.  It took me a long time to finally do just that…and I finally feel a peace. I finally feel like….me.